Mega Mart Madness
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: When you're a super villain there's no such thing as a simple errand, not even a trip to the grocery store...


**Disclaimer: I do not own Kim Possible or any of the characters in the show. This story was written strictly for my enjoyment, and hopefully yours. **

Mega Mart Madness

"I can't believe we're grocery shopping again!" Drakken groaned as they pulled into the parking lot of the Mega Mart. "Weren't we here just last week? We bought enough food to feed an army!"

"That's because we have an army to feed," Shego pointed out.

"Oh, right," Drakken muttered. "Well remind me to put the henchmen on a diet!"

They got out of the car. Drakken grabbed a shopping cart and the two of them walked into the Mega Mart. They were greeted by a chipper young man wearing an orange vest and a nametag that read MEGA MART GREETER. Directly below that was the name HARRY.

"Welcome to Mega Mart, folks, the place to be for all your bulk buying needs!" Harry said with a southern twang. "May I see your Mega Mart membership card?"

Drakken fumbled through his pockets. "Shego, do you have my membership card?" He asked.

"No! We've been through this before, Dr. Drakken! I do not carry your personal items! That's…"

"…a personal assistant's job, and I am not a personal assistant, or a secretary, or a sidekick! I am Vice President of Evil Operations, like it says in my contract!" Drakken and Shego said together.

"Blasted Henchmen's Union!" Drakken muttered under his breath. "Thanks to them the help doesn't know their place anymore!"

"What was that!" Shego asked sharply.

"Noting, nothing," Drakken said quickly. "Do you have your membership card?"

Shego handed Harry her membership card; he glanced at it and waved them through with a smile. Drakken turned the cart into Aisle One and crashed into another cart that was also turning into that aisle.

"Drakken!" A familiar voice cried.

"Kim Possible!" Drakken groaned. He looked over Kim's shoulder at her parents and brothers. "And you brought the whole Possible clan! This day just keeps getting better and better!"

"All right, Drakken, what are you up to!" Kim demanded.

"Nothing, all right!" Shego snapped. "Look, I don't feel like having a climatic-fate-of-the-world-hanging-in-the-balance battle today, okay? I just want to get what we need and get out of here!"

"Yeah, right!" Kim snapped. "Now tell me what you're really up to!"

"Yes! A fight!" Jim exclaimed.

"Cool! Hang on while I grab my camera!" Tim said to Kim.

"Now boys, no one's going to fight," Mrs. Possible said.

"That's right," Mr. Possible added. "We're here to grab some vittles for the big Possible family reunion! Any saving-the-world-antics will just have to wait."

"But Dad…" Kim protested.

"No buts!" Mr. Possible snapped. "Let's go young lady!"

"But…"

"You heard your father!" Mrs. Possible said sharply.

Faced with the full force of both parents, Kim slumped her shoulders in defeat. She followed them into Aisle One, her brothers dancing around her and chanting "Kim got yelled at! Kim got yelled at!"

"Pathetic," Shego smirked. "There goes the mighty Kim Possible, led around by the nose by idiots!"

"Shego! Come on!" Drakken snapped, pushing the cart in the opposite direction.

Shego rolled her eyes. "Coming, Dr. Drakken!" She sighed.

"What's first on the list?" Drakken asked.

Shego checked the piece of paper in her hand. "Oatmeal."

The pair walked into Aisle Four, passing gigantic boxes of cereal and ten pound bags of sugar, until they came to the row of gigantic cardboard cylinders with an old man in 18th century clothes on the label.

"Should we get apple cinnamon or raisin cinnamon?" Drakken asked.

"I like cinnamon cinnamon," Shego said.

"Do the henchmen like cinnamon cinnamon?"

"Who cares?" Shego said, grabbing one of the large containers. "If the henchman wanted a specific kind of oatmeal, they should have come with us!"

"Right," Drakken muttered. "Let's speed this up. I don't like leaving the henchmen alone for too long. I think they make fun of me when I'm not around."

"Wow. Do you really think so? I'm shocked, I really am," Shego said.

Drakken looked at her. "You know, I might have believed that if you hadn't said it in a dull, apathetic monotone."

"Sorry," Shego grumbled. "I don't have the energy to patronize you today. I was up late last night stealing those chemicals you wanted, and then I was woken up early this morning to go grocery shopping!"

"All right, I get it!" Drakken snapped. "What's next on the list?"

"Juice."

"What kind of juice?"

"Boogerberry Crap Supreme," Shego said sarcastically. "I dunno, just juice!"

They walked into the juice aisle. "So many choices! How am I supposed to decide?" Drakken asked aloud. "When I rule the world…"

"Hoo boy, here we go again," Shego muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Drakken asked sharply.

"Your when-I-rule-the-world-speech." Shego said. "When I rule the world there will be no traffic jams. When I rule the world pizza will be delivered in thirty minutes or less. When I rule the world cell phones will be outlawed. Should I go on?"

"No," Drakken hissed. "Grab the orange juice and let's move on to the next item."

Drakken and Shego walked out of the juice aisle and barely missed colliding with two unruly boys as they raced by. Hot on their heels was a certain redheaded cheerleader, covered from head to toe in flour.

"GET BACK HERE YOU TWEEBS!" Kim shouted.

"Our flour bomb is a complete success!" Tim laughed.

"Hoo-sha!" Jim cried.

"Watch it!" Shego yelled after them. "Where are their parents? Disgusting how some people can't control their brats!"

"Oooooh! They're handing out those cheese samples I like!" Drakken squealed, spotting the sample lady several aisles down. He took off.

"No running!" Shego yelled. Drakken ignored her, but wasn't fast enough to grab the last cheese sample; instead it went to a college-age boy, who popped it into his mouth and walked off without ever noticing the agitated blue-skinned super villain.

"Tough break Dr.D," Shego said, pushing the cart up alongside him.

"That was my cheese!" Drakken fumed.

"Calm down, sir," the sample lady said. Her nametag read Sandy. "We'll have fresh cheese samples soon."

"How soon?" Drakken demanded.

"Um…twenty minutes?" Sandy replied.

"Twenty minutes!" Drakken cried. "All you have to do is slice up the cheese and put it on a platter! How can that possibly take twenty minutes!"

"Come on, Dr. Drakken, let's go," Shego said.

"Forget it!" Drakken snapped. "I'm staying right here until I get my cheese!"

"No! I am not doing all the shopping by myself!"

"Fine! Then I'll just buy the cheese!"

"No you will not! That type of cheese only comes in five pound blocks! You'll eat maybe a pound of it and leave the rest to turn into a giant blob of mold that really stinks and attracts rats! Or have you forgotten what happened last time?"

"The henchmen will…"

"Half the henchmen are lactose intolerant, and the other half doesn't like cheese!"

"All right, all right!" Drakken snapped. He turned to Sandy. "I will be back in exactly twenty minutes. If you do not have my cheese, I will use my Destructo-Bots to turn this pathetic symbol of runaway consumerism into a pile of Eastern European-style rubble!"

"Oh, yeah, Destructo-Bot, got it," Sandy said, rolling her eyes.

"Are you mocking me?" Drakken cried. "I will…"

"Do you always have to be such a drama queen!" Shego snapped. "Let's go already!" She grabbed Drakken's arm and roughly pulled him away.

"I'll be back!" Drakken yelled over his shoulder.

"I hate grocery shopping," Shego moaned.

They walked into the next aisle and picked up bags of pork, fish and chicken wings. In the aisle after that they grabbed a wide variety of vegetables (for the growing henchman). After that they came to the rice, which sparked a heated debate.

"White rice is loaded with starch!" Shego snapped. "Brown is better!"

"That whole low-starch fad is nonsense!" Drakken snapped. "White is perfectly fine, and it tastes much better!"

"Which is proof that it's bad for you!" Shego countered. "Anything that tastes good is bad for you!"

"This is not up for debate, Shego! I pay the bills around here and I say…"

"Hey, shouldn't those cheese samples be ready by now?" Shego interrupted.

Drakken checked his watch. "Blast! They were ready seven minutes ago! Why didn't you tell me!" He hurried off.

Shego rolled her eyes and grabbed a large bag of brown rice. "Note to self," she muttered. "When you get home, update resume."

Shego slowly pushed the cart, now spilling over with king-sized food items, past several aisles looking for the next item on the list. She was soon joined by a sour-faced Drakken.

"So, did you get your precious cheese sample?" Shego asked.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Drakken snapped. "What are we looking for now?"

"Desert," Shego replied. "It's the last thing we need."

"Finally!" Drakken said. "And I know exactly what kind of desert!"

"German Chocolate cake," Shego said.

"No! We are getting…oh wait, that's exactly what I was going to say! Don't tell me we actually agree on something?"

"Scary, isn't it?" Shego sighed.

"Never mind, let's just get it and leave this god-forsaken place!" Drakken said.

The two of them walked down the desert aisle, carefully scanning the shelves until they spotted what they came for. At that moment their mission came to a grinding halt; directly in front of them, blocking the shelf that held the very last German Chocolate cake, was an elderly man.

"HONEY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR AGAIN?" The old man suddenly shouted.

Drakken felt something jabbing at his ankles. He looked behind him and saw the man's wife pushing a shopping cart that was now boxing them in.

"WHAT!" The wife asked, cupping her hand to her ear.

"WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR!"

"WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR!"

"YES! WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR!"

"HUH?"

"WHAT!"

"SIR!" Shego yelled. She got as close to the old man as her shopping cart would allow. "SIR! COULD YOU PLEASE MOVE! I NEED TO GET THAT CAKE!"

"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME YOUNG LADY!" The old man yelled.

"YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY DON'T HAVE ANY MANNERS!" His wife snapped.

"WHAT!" The old man yelled at her.

"I'll SHOW YOU MANNERS!" Shego yelled, powering up her hands.

"HUH?" He replied.

Shego stared into his wrinkled, confused, face. She then let out a heavy sigh and powered down. "I really hate grocery shopping," she moaned.

The old man looked past Shego and at his wife. "HONEY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?"

"WHAT?"

"WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR!"

"WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR!"

"Shego…" Drakken twitched.

"Stay calm, Dr. D," Shego said. "They're old. They can't keep this up forever. We'll just wait them out."

And so they waited. And waited. Finally, after much more shouting and through pure luck, the elderly couple figured out they were looking for light bulbs and slowly went on their way.

"Finally!" Shego said.

"WHAT!" Drakken yelled, cupping his hand to his ear.

Shego ignored the urge to hurt him and reached for the cake. Suddenly a red blur swooped between her and the cake, which suddenly vanished. Shego looked up and saw Kim Possible standing on top of the opposite shelves, reeling in her grappling hook with one hand and holding the cake in the other.

"Too slow, Shego!" Kim laughed.

"That cake is mine, Possible, I earned it!" Shego fumed. "You have no idea what I went through to get it!"

"It can't be worse than what I've been through!" Kim snapped. "This cake is the only thing that makes an afternoon shopping with my brothers worthwhile!"

Shego's eyes narrowed. "Possible…" She said slowly. "I can handle Drakken hair-brained schemes. I can handle how you always foil his hair-brained schemes again and again and again…but when you take my German Chocolate cake, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!"

Shego powered up and leaped onto the shelf. She grabbed for the cake three times in a row, but Kim blocked her attacks. Frustrated, Shego attacked Kim in an attempt to force her to drop the cake, but Kim held her ground, expertly executing both offense and defense with only her one free arm and two legs.

"Shego! Quit fooling around and get that cake!" Drakken yelled, shaking his fist. Suddenly he noticed his watch and gasped. "If you need me, I'll be stuffing myself with cheese!"

Drakken hurried over to the cheese aisle. There he saw the sample lady holding the sacred silver sample platter, and perched on that platter was one perfect piece of cheese in all its yellow fatty glory. His pace quickened; this time nothing would stand in his way.

Drakken's mouth watered in anticipation; as soon as he was close enough, he reached out and…bumped hands with another person. He whipped his head around and locked eyes with the person who dared challenge him for the precious cheese…

"Possible!" Drakken cried. "I should have known!"

"Drew Lipsky!" Mr. Possible exclaimed. "I'm sorry, but this piece of cheese is mine."

"Says who!" Drakken snapped. "I've been waiting for this cheese a long time! It's mine!"

"I'm afraid I must insist," Mr. Possible said, reaching again for the cheese.

Drakken grabbed the tray from the sample lady. "Forget it! This is one time a Possible won't defeat me!"

"Real mature, Drew," Mr. Possible said, grabbing the other end of the tray. "If you want that cheese so badly why don't you just buy it?"

"None of your business!" Drakken snapped as he pulled on the tray. "Why don't you just buy it!"

"None of your business!" Mr. Possible snapped as he also pulled on the tray. They each pulled with all their might. Slowly the tray began inching towards Mr. Possible, the sweat and oil in his fingers proving to be a good adhesive as opposed to Drakken's dry gloves. Suddenly the tray popped out of Drakken's hands, causing Mr. Possible to stumble backwards and fling the tray in the air; the two men watched as the cheese flew through the air and landed in a bin full of cheese.

Half of the shoppers stopped and stared as the two grown men dived into the bin. The other half was already watching Kim and Shego fighting fifteen feet above their heads.

"I'm not playing around, Kimmie!" Shego snarled. "Give me that cake!"

"Cut it out!" Kim yelled, blocking every one of Shego's attacks. "If you keep this up the cake will be trashed! Then neither of us will have it!"

"That works too!" Shego snapped. She suddenly broke through Kim's defense and kicked the cake out of her hand; it landed and slid to the far end of the shelf, stopping inches from the edge. Shego and Kim sprinted across the shelf and lunged for it at the same time. Four pairs of hands grabbed at the cake, but only succeeded in pushing it off the shelf. They gasped in horror and peered over the edge; the cake had safely landed face up in a shopping cart, and was slowly being pushed away by a heavyset middle-aged woman in lime green spandex and a yellow tube top.

Meanwhile Drakken and Mr. Possible continued to dig frantically in the cheese bin for that one special piece of cheese. Mr. Possible spotted it in the bottom of the bin, stuck between the wall and a container of Brie. Seeing the precious cheese so close sparked something within the scientist; he pushed Drakken aside with a mighty shove and eagerly reached for it.

Suddenly he felt something hit his ribs. Startled, he stood up and looked around; lying at his feet was a large piece of wrapped Swiss. "Drew…did you just throw cheese at me!" Mr. Possible asked incredulously.

"Darn right!" Drakken replied. He was standing at one end of the bin with an armload of different cheeses. He raised one above his head. "And there's plenty more where that came from!"

Mr. Possible dived behind the other end of the bin. Drakken stood, tensed and ready for attack. "Come on, Possible!" Drakken prodded. "What's the matter, chicken? Even Kim's buffoon sidekick has more backbone than you!"

There was no response from the other end of the cheese bin. "Fine!" Drakken said. "I'll take you cowardly silence as a sign of surrender! The cheese is mine!" He reached for the cheese sample with his free hand.

At that moment Mr. Possible popped up with his own cheese arsenal. "Just like a super villain to fall for a simple diversion! Prepare to be Parmesaned!" He threw hunk after hunk at Drakken, who returned fire. The gawking shoppers now ran for their lives as the scientists' wild throws sent cheese missles everywhere.

At the other end of the store, Kim and Shego jumped from the top of the shelf and landed in front of the spandex lady's cart.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but you have my cake," Kim said.

"You mean MY cake," Shego said.

They both reached for the cake, but were stopped by a massive purse that slammed down in front of the desert like a gate.

"Sorry, girls, but this is MY cake!" Spandex Lady said.

"WHAT!" Kim and Shego cried.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're mistaken…" Kim began.

"It's no mistake," Spandex Lady snapped. "It's in MY shopping cart, which means it's MY cake!"

"Okay, I've been polite long enough," Shego said, powering up. Spandex Lady yanked her purse back by the straps and swung it around her head menacingly; Shego and Kim barely had time to jump out of the way as she brought it crashing down with the force of a sledgehammer.

"POSSIBLE! We appear to have reached an impasse," Drakken gasped. Having run out of cheese to throw at each other, Drakken and Mr. Possible stood around trying to catch their breath.

"I agree," Mr. Possible replied between heavy breaths. "What say we settle this the way we used to back in school?"

"Bring it on!" Drakken said.

The two clasped hands, thumbs sticking up. "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!" They yelled together. With that, a ferocious battle began.

Kim and Shego were also engaged in battle, but not with each other. Spandex Lady swung at them with her purse again and again like a lion protecting her kill from a pair of hyenas…only in this case it was a fat woman protecting a cake from a couple of very determined girls.

"IT'S MY CAKE! MINE!" Spandex Lady yelled, swinging her purse at Shego's head. Shego ducked and the purse knocked several cans of soup off the shelf; the entire aisle was littered with canned goods due to Spandex Lady's attacks.

"Possible! We're not getting anywhere like this!" Shego said.

"So we team up just long enough to save the cake and then settle this once and for all?" Kim asked as she dodged another swing from the Purse of Doom.

"Bingo."

Kim and Shego positioned themselves on either side of Spandex Lady, who stood poised and ready for attack. Shego pretended to make a move for the cake, and Spandex Lady swung her bag at her. This gave Kim the opening she needed to give the shopping cart a good hard judo kick. A bit too hard, it turned out, because it careened down the aisle with the force of a torpedo. Kim chased after it.

Spandex Lady took another swing at Shego. As the purse flew past her head, Shego cut the straps with one clean swipe. Thrown off balance, Spandex Lady toppled into the shelf; the force of the impact caused the rest of the shelved goods to rain down around her.

"My cake…" she moaned before a can of peas knocked her out cold.

A loud crash caught Shego's attention. She raced out of the aisle and saw Spandex Lady's runaway shopping cart buried under a mountain of cream corn. Standing next to it was Kim, cake in hand; she had managed to grab it before the cart crashed into one of Mega Mart's gigantic displays.

"Nice save," Shego said, powering up. "Now where were we?"

But before their fight could resume a loud, anguished cry came from the other end of the store. Shego immediately recognized the voice as Drakken's. She ran in that direction, followed closely by Kim.

Shego found her boss sitting on the floor nursing a sore thumb. Standing above him was Kim's father, who was holding the cheese sample triumphantly over his head and doing some kind of strange victory dance. Cheese was scattered all over the floor. A large crowd of shoppers were standing and staring.

"I rock! I rule! I am the King if the Cheese! Come to your king!" He told the cheese before popping it in his mouth.

"TIMOTHY JAMES POSSIBLE!" Mrs. Possible yelled. She stormed up to her husband, their two sons in tow. "Did I just see you eat cheese!"

"It…it was just a little piece," Mr. Possible stammered.

"Busted!" The boys said in unison.

"You know the doctor said you have to watch your cholesterol," Mrs. Possible continued. "Do you want to have your chest cut open and your arteries scraped! Because that's where you're headed!"

"Gee, and I thought Drakken was embarrassing," Shego smirked. Kim's cheeks burned.

The Mega Mart manager arrived on the scene. "What is going on here!" He demanded. "My store is trashed! I got reports of two maniacs throwing cheese and hitting customers with cans of peas, and I've got a woman who's threatening to sue!"

"He did it!" Drakken cried, jumping up and pointing at Mr. Possible. "He threw cheese at me and then sprained my thumb!"

The manager glared at Mr. Possible. "Is this true, sir?"

"Well, I did throw cheese, but..." murmurs of disapproval rose from the crowd. "It's not my fault!" Mr. Possible exclaimed. He pointed to Drakken. "He started it! He's a super villain! He's always trying to take over the world! Back me up, Kimmie!"

Kim stiffened at the mention of her name. Shego seized the opportunity to snatch the cake from her hands. "Blaming the victim! How low can you go?" Shego asked loudly. The crowd murmured in agreement.

"This is not happening…this is not happening…" Kim muttered, covering her face with her now cake-free hands.

"I've heard enough!" The manager snapped. He turned to Mr. Possible. "You and your family are hereby banned from Mega Mart! Please turn in your membership cards and leave immediately!"

"WHAT!" Kim and her parents cried at once.

"Awesome!" Tim said.

"We have got to put this in our blog!" Jim said. "We'll be the coolest kids in school!"

"This is outrageous!" Mrs. Possible said to the manager. "We've been Mega Mart gold members since our kids were in diapers!"

"Mom, please!" Kim pleaded. "Let's go before things get any worse!"

"Ahem," a female voice said. Kim turned around and faced her entire cheerleading squad, led by a smirking Bonnie.

Shego watched as Kim's still-protesting family was led away by the manager. Kim silently followed, hunched over, eyes glued to the floor as she walked past her friends, as if she was trying to make herself invisible. Watching her gave Shego a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

"Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this," Drakken huffed. "My thumb is going to be sore for weeks! And I never got my cheese!"

"Who cares about a tiny little piece when you can have a five-pound block?" Shego asked.

Drakken's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Why not? I feel like celebrating!"

"Yes! And celebrate we will!" Drakken exclaimed. "Come, Shego! Tonight we will enjoy a lavish feast of cheese and chocolate cake!"

Shego smiled and grabbed their shopping cart. "I love grocery shopping," she sighed as they headed to the checkout counter.

THE END


End file.
